Trey(Trevor is adult name, Trey young nickname) always was shy. You might not ever realize that if you saw his presentation as an adult; however, he learned many coping mechanisms (masks that everyone wears to various degrees) that could "cover up" his insecurities.
I guess what started the self-hate was Trevor's constant questioning, doubt , and searching to "fit in".
As he aged he got less comparing himself to other people for so many reasons (to be explained later *).
But in summary, when you are in your seventies, and you have perhaps less than 10 percent of your life left, what could be the "big deal" or "return on investment" of even trying to be like anyone else?
Whether inborn or learned, Trey figured out he was in automatic competition with his brothers, if for no other reason than when he got to almost every grade in school, teachers who had both Spectre Jr. and KJo commented or implied "are you going to be like your brothers?" Even KJi was great at baseball and art.
Also Trey had poor vision and eventually got glasses when in elementary school and later on in life,he was finally diagnosed with a semi-functional eye problem of being unable to triangulate on objects (meaning no ball catching or throwing for him without plenty of embarrassment from brothers or peers.)
Ironically, on his own, Trey/Trevor figured out by wrestling in high school/college, gymnastics/running in junior high or swimming (learning at about 22 years old) that he was more than competent.
Above and beyond all, trying to figure out his sexuality was and is a constant mystery and challenge to him. (see the "coming in and out of the closet" routines/adventures chapter). By default the Church he had automatically attended due to parent and regional "indoctrination" (not meant in a bad way but it is what it is) put tremendous guilt and shame upon him. Now when you consider he felt he was in competition from the get go, and he could not see to catch or throw a ball accurately (which most youth are competent to some degree), and being more understood by his mother than father (see the chapter on the bullfighting Dad) he subsumed the stereotypical "gay" profile without even acting out on it.
To add to the self-hate was the common early society concept of gay people being child molesters and that they "have to recruit". What a burden!
Side note: At some point a research item had pointed out that the "gay" brain is different than other brains which seemed to help Trevor at first accept himself that it was "beyond his control" if wired that way.
However, "which came first, the chicken or the egg" doubt is a struggle which even people with PTSD wonder, was my amygdala large and my hippocampus small to begin with (more prone to PTSD) or was it caused by PTSD. Same struggle with Trevor.
Depression, alcoholism, and regrets-
Apparently depression runs rampant in Madre's line. As well as alcoholism. Stories have been told how Madre's mom was missing and Madre found her (presumably in California somewhere) and all that was in her refrigerator were wine bottle and no food.
Madre was in the hospital once as an aftermath of a number of strokes and barely cognizant when she begged "Please don't put me in the place they put my mother" . Apparently Madre's mom was in need of in patient for alcoholism which back in the early 20th century did not exist for female alcoholics but I guess they made room for her. And whatever experience was gleaned there by Madre scared her enough to beg out of that possibility!
Now Trey as a child liked to "spy" on the parent's card parties and knew he could hear and somewhat smell the use of alcohol and cigarettes; but Trey thought that his parents just provided the invited company with their predilections. Trey had tasted some alcohol in a cabinet but hated the taste of it and had no desire to drink until later, much later (in his 50's).
As far as Madre, (or even Spectre) Trey never witnessed any drunkenness although Trey caught the "glow" of the stub of a lighted cigarette in the garage when he caught Spectre hurry up and stomp it out with the spark of cinders/ashes on the cement floor. And Spectre always had a suspicious mouth odor of SUCRETS or mouthwash when Spectre would execute his summer weekend journeys to the farm in Mt. Pleasant.
Because of addiction ( to alcohol, drugs, sex or money) hitting this family group, it took a very very huge toll, especially for Trevor .
He lost a chiropractic license, a teaching license, a driver's license and relationships. How sad and what a cancelled paths of life that could have evolved Trevor in many, many alternate directions.
Whether the cycle of failure was due to subjective or subconscious belief systems (as he was gay and gay to Trevor was defective and sinful).
Some of Trevor's self hate was reinforced by Spectre Junior which seems odd because at Spectre Juniors funeral it was preached how "gay friendly" this couple was HAH. (But in some strange way Spectre's false allegations of child molestation toward Trevor linked the "gayness" to molestation and could not be displaced.) This state of affairs was most probably accelerated and promulgated by Spectre Juniors narcissistic "last wife". Seldom has Trevor (or others intimate with the knowledge of "The Queen" (Spectre Juniors last wife)) seen such arrogance, entitlement, and sheer objective "evil" so planned out and deliberate.
The cosmetic shows of "social care and financial donations" and "art interest" were mere camouflage to the dark underpinnings of this black hole of a creature existing.